When Did We Stop Being Honest?

And a better question might be, why? Have you ever found yourself anticipating a conversation and thinking “I’m going to say this…” Then when you’re actually faced with that person something entirely different comes out of your mouth. Then later, you’re disappointed that you didn’t say what you really wanted to, and you somehow feel less than, as if you’ve betrayed yourself. Well, perhaps you have.

I think as a culture, both in our personal and professional relationships, we’re paying a heavy price for not being honest with each other. That price is:

• Feeling like I lack authenticity or integrity
• “Disconnected” relationships with ourselves and others
• Not being fully committed to relationships because we perceive we can’t speak our truth
• Moods and emotions of anxiety, fear, resignation, resentment and frustration
• In organizations, a lack of trust and thus a lack of teamwork, which generates a myriad of other problems

Imagine relationships where we could all speak what was so for us, at any given moment, while also being responsible for what’s coming out of our mouth – it’s called AUTHENTICITY. What could we create in that atmosphere? What would our workplaces be like? What would our homes be like? What impact would that have on our relationships? What impact would that have on our own well-being, self-confidence and peace of mind?

So, what gets in our way of speaking our truth? Quite simply FEAR. And the emotion of fear shows up in our language as excuses for why we shouldn’t be honest. You may recognize some of them:

• That would be rude 
• I don’t want to hurt their feelings 
• They can’t handle it right now or I’m protecting them 
• They might not like it and leave 
• They might fire me or hold it against me in the future

The real reason, in my opinion, is that many of us have not developed the EMOTIONAL STRENGTH to be honest with others. What does “emotional strength” mean, you ask? It means we aren’t emotionally strong enough to stay in a conversation with someone where we speak our truth and deal with whatever comes up. The emotion that is lacking is COURAGE. Courage is the emotion that is needed in order to stand and take action in the face of our fears. 

The irony of all this is, the only way to bring forth courage, to develop that emotional strength, is that we have to take the action we fear taking! Waiting until courage shows up in order to take action almost guarantees that we will wait forever. We must develop a PRACTICE of being courageously honest - it’s often not taught, not rewarded, and so we haven’t learned it. In fact, it’s probably not a stretch to say that the opposite is rewarded in our culture – be safe, don’t speak your truth, don’t hurt others feelings, and so on.

Let me be very clear here by saying that sometimes our fear is warranted. We actually might get fired, or we might be hurt, if we speak our truth. In other words, sometimes it’s NOT SAFE to speak our truth. However, my experience has been that those times are a very small percentage of the time. More times than not, what we fear will happen does not actually come to pass when we display courage and speak our truth. What is revealed at that moment is our excuses, that we thought were keeping us safe, are actually getting in our way of creating the very thing we desire - AUTHENTICITY, CONNECTION, TRUST.

I invite you to reflect upon your relationships and whether or not you are being honest – with yourself and others. In those areas where you say you aren’t being honest, or speaking your truth, what is the cost? What’s getting in your way of being honest? 

How might your life be different if you chose to bring forth courage and speak your truth?


Radio Show Appearance: To hear me speak about the issue of Emotional Strength in organizations, click here.

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