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The Importance of Giving and Receiving Feedback
When was the last time you asked for feedback?
When was the last time you asked to give someone feedback?
Why do we even need feedback from others in our life?
Two primary reasons are:
- We all have "blind spots" that have us unable to effectively see how we "show up" in the world. For example, do you know someone who thinks they are open and a great listener and they couldn't be farther from the truth. Or, someone who thinks they are a loving and caring mother or father, but their child says they are controlling and smothering. We just aren't very good observers of ourselves.
- We often judge ourselves by our intentions, rather than our actions. Yet, we judge others by their actions. At some level, our intentions mean very little; it's how we actually act that matters. And the only way we can find out how our actions are perceived is to ask someone else.
Having been a coach now for 8 years, I'm really beginning to see the tremendous value in feedback from others. In order for me to effectively LEARN what I say I want to learn, I can't count on just myself to be the best judge of my own progress. I need input from other people as to how I'm doing to see if I'm on track, or if there are some course corrections to be put in place.
Is it easy to receive feedback? Usually not - it's uncomfortable. Is it valuable? You bet! Particularly if we want to gauge whether or not we're showing up as the person we want to be in the world, or whether or not we're growing or learning.
We're often afraid to ask for feedback because we're afraid of what others honestly think about us. Why? Because we believe that what they honestly think about us somehow is a statement about the core of our being, and if that's negative, well then I'm in trouble. We're holding this all wrong I say. We need to understand the difference between facts ("I'm 6 feet tall", "I weigh 200 pounds", "I am 40 years old") and opinions ("I'm a nice guy", "I'm a jerk", "I am rude", "I am loving"). When someone gives us feedback, they are only giving us their opinion based on the experiences they've had with us or the actions they've seen us take. They are not telling us the TRUTH about us, only the impression we've made on them. We can then choose to look at those impressions, or determine that they don't really fit us.
When it comes to giving feedback, what I notice is that we have a very hard time telling someone what we honestly think. Why? I believe we're afraid of how they might react to that feedback, that they might hold it against us, we might hurt their feelings and somehow damage them, and the list goes on and on. If we hold giving honest feedback to be "serving someone by assisting them in their learning", then how can we not be honest with them? And remember, we're not telling them the truth about themselves, only our opinion. When we are giving feedback and we are not honest with the person, we're actually serving ourselves and not that person - an inherently selfish act.
One of the values of giving and receiving honest feedback is that we begin to build the EMOTIONAL STRENGTH we need to have those honest, difficult conversations in our life. Having great emotional strength allows us to build robust, strong, connected relationships with others in our lives, not to mention increases the chance that we'll be a very powerful person in the world and not a victim to others.
I've learned that I need feedback in my life because in some areas I can't see myself very well (blind spot!). We often become masters at rationalizing our own behavior and begin to buy into our own BS. You know what I mean here! Therefore, having someone to give you honest feedback can help break that cycle and propel us forward in our learning and growth.
In my work with teams, giving and receiving feedback is a critical step in the process of building TRUST. If we define trust as sincerity, competency and reliability, then feedback falls into the sincerity aspect of trust. Most of us have one or two people we can turn to in our lives that will give us the honest (sincere) stuff about us - they don't hold back and they don't candy coat it. And, while it may hurt or sting at times, which is natural, most of us would say that their feedback is invaluable and that we trust that person immensely. It's no accident - their sincerity is exactly why we value it and trust them.
One other key thing with respect to feedback is PERMISSION. I believe that when we want to offer feedback to someone that we should first ask permission to do so. Why? I believe it helps prepare them as a listener for what is about to come. My experience has been that we go around giving a lot of feedback that is unsolicited or without permission, and it usually sounds like "You need to..." or "I suggest that...." What usually happens is the person receiving that feedback gets defensive and is not even willing to look at the feedback, much less consider it and its potential value. When we ask permission, we are showing respect for the person and creating a space for everyone's dignity to remain intact. By the same token, you don't have to listen to unsolicited feedback either.
So, I challenge you to look at yourself and see where feedback might benefit you. Take a look at the areas of your life you say you struggle in and then choose some people in your life that you trust and ask them to give you feedback on what they see. And, if there are people in your life that you think could benefit from some feedback, grab your courage and go ask permission to give them feedback. In doing so, with permission, you may give them the gift they need the most right now in their lives
I encourage you to develop a practice in your life of giving and receiving feedback. You might be shocked at how much learning and growth comes out of it for you, not to mention the emotional strength that will come from it. Enjoy!
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When was the last time you asked for feedback?
When was the last time you asked to give someone feedback?
Why do we even need feedback from others in our life?
Two primary reasons are:
- We all have "blind spots" that have us unable to effectively see how we "show up" in the world. For example, do you know someone who thinks they are open and a great listener and they couldn't be farther from the truth. Or, someone who thinks they are a loving and caring mother or father, but their child says they are controlling and smothering. We just aren't very good observers of ourselves.
- We often judge ourselves by our intentions, rather than our actions. Yet, we judge others by their actions. At some level, our intentions mean very little; it's how we actually act that matters. And the only way we can find out how our actions are perceived is to ask someone else.
Having been a coach now for 8 years, I'm really beginning to see the tremendous value in feedback from others. In order for me to effectively LEARN what I say I want to learn, I can't count on just myself to be the best judge of my own progress. I need input from other people as to how I'm doing to see if I'm on track, or if there are some course corrections to be put in place.
Is it easy to receive feedback? Usually not - it's uncomfortable. Is it valuable? You bet! Particularly if we want to gauge whether or not we're showing up as the person we want to be in the world, or whether or not we're growing or learning.
We're often afraid to ask for feedback because we're afraid of what others honestly think about us. Why? Because we believe that what they honestly think about us somehow is a statement about the core of our being, and if that's negative, well then I'm in trouble. We're holding this all wrong I say. We need to understand the difference between facts ("I'm 6 feet tall", "I weigh 200 pounds", "I am 40 years old") and opinions ("I'm a nice guy", "I'm a jerk", "I am rude", "I am loving"). When someone gives us feedback, they are only giving us their opinion based on the experiences they've had with us or the actions they've seen us take. They are not telling us the TRUTH about us, only the impression we've made on them. We can then choose to look at those impressions, or determine that they don't really fit us.
When it comes to giving feedback, what I notice is that we have a very hard time telling someone what we honestly think. Why? I believe we're afraid of how they might react to that feedback, that they might hold it against us, we might hurt their feelings and somehow damage them, and the list goes on and on. If we hold giving honest feedback to be "serving someone by assisting them in their learning", then how can we not be honest with them? And remember, we're not telling them the truth about themselves, only our opinion. When we are giving feedback and we are not honest with the person, we're actually serving ourselves and not that person - an inherently selfish act.
One of the values of giving and receiving honest feedback is that we begin to build the EMOTIONAL STRENGTH we need to have those honest, difficult conversations in our life. Having great emotional strength allows us to build robust, strong, connected relationships with others in our lives, not to mention increases the chance that we'll be a very powerful person in the world and not a victim to others.
I've learned that I need feedback in my life because in some areas I can't see myself very well (blind spot!). We often become masters at rationalizing our own behavior and begin to buy into our own BS. You know what I mean here! Therefore, having someone to give you honest feedback can help break that cycle and propel us forward in our learning and growth.
In my work with teams, giving and receiving feedback is a critical step in the process of building TRUST. If we define trust as sincerity, competency and reliability, then feedback falls into the sincerity aspect of trust. Most of us have one or two people we can turn to in our lives that will give us the honest (sincere) stuff about us - they don't hold back and they don't candy coat it. And, while it may hurt or sting at times, which is natural, most of us would say that their feedback is invaluable and that we trust that person immensely. It's no accident - their sincerity is exactly why we value it and trust them.
One other key thing with respect to feedback is PERMISSION. I believe that when we want to offer feedback to someone that we should first ask permission to do so. Why? I believe it helps prepare them as a listener for what is about to come. My experience has been that we go around giving a lot of feedback that is unsolicited or without permission, and it usually sounds like "You need to..." or "I suggest that...." What usually happens is the person receiving that feedback gets defensive and is not even willing to look at the feedback, much less consider it and its potential value. When we ask permission, we are showing respect for the person and creating a space for everyone's dignity to remain intact. By the same token, you don't have to listen to unsolicited feedback either.
So, I challenge you to look at yourself and see where feedback might benefit you. Take a look at the areas of your life you say you struggle in and then choose some people in your life that you trust and ask them to give you feedback on what they see. And, if there are people in your life that you think could benefit from some feedback, grab your courage and go ask permission to give them feedback. In doing so, with permission, you may give them the gift they need the most right now in their lives
I encourage you to develop a practice in your life of giving and receiving feedback. You might be shocked at how much learning and growth comes out of it for you, not to mention the emotional strength that will come from it. Enjoy!
